Do you often sit and wonder what it could be like to be needed by someone? To have their whole life devoted to you and everything they do is for you. I do because this hasn’t happened to me. Although it has happened to my best friend Hannah, I never let it bother me though, I can’t really, I am happy for her, honestly.
Except I’m not am I, I want that feeling too, I want to be loved so deeply and so true that all the words rush through their lips, right onto mine, she’s getting married, big mistake, I want to tell her the huge secret, but she’ll never talk to me again, she’d hate me, and I would hate myself even more.
I want to tell her that James isn’t who she thinks he is, he’s different when he’s having an episode, James is my cousin, I am used to these behaviours around me, Hannah doesn’t know, she doesn’t know, he’s killed a man.
I had to bury the body, I had too, I wasn’t going to just let him go down for murder when it was clearly a provoked attack. The guy he killed, I had met him on tinder, but he wasn’t who I thought I was, he was different in person, I didn’t know he was going to do that. How could I let this happen, how? I bet you’ve had no one kill for you, were you ever in danger the last thought was murder, I didn’t want this to happen, I wish it didn’t, I wanted that man to go down for what he did to me.
So, let me tell you when I met Jason, I spent a long time getting to know him, everything about him, all his likes, all his dislikes, hopes, dreams, fears, absolutely everything, seems to be the nice ones do bad things. Must be why no one gives them a chance. My friends thought he was nice, my friends all seem to think he’s perfect for me, Alice and grace say “he’s not like the other boyfriends, you know the ones you didn’t marry” thanks girls I love you too. I mean, he seemed nice, I was wrong though, so totally wrong.
I wish I could have seen through the cold looks, the looks that I knew he was going to do something bad, I just knew there was something off about him. Should’ve done what Alicia always told me to do and ignore him if I felt like something was off but I wanted happiness, I just wanted it that badly, I was even willing to risk my life and I mean literally. I thought to myself what could be so wrong about this guy. Tinder Bio reading “I want to get to know new people and find out if there are actually nice guys in the world,” nothing shady about that right? If I knew what he was nice because really, I had no idea.
Hannah is nice, she is my first best friend from college, I had some friends in secondary school but those didn’t really count for anything. Hannah is someone I can talk to and that is why I feel guilty about not telling her about James, I really do want too but I can’t because that’ll ruin everything, he’ll go down for murder, provoked or not, and I will go down for even being there and not saying anything to the police.
I mean I don’t want to go to the police, but if it’s the only chance, I must get this out my head, I will. I am climbing the walls here, I have this secret and I can’t tell anyone. When is the day when I can tell someone, even if it’s Alice or Alicia and Jess, anyone? But Hannah, my best friend.
I don’t think James and I thought much about our actions, it was just in the spear of the moment, how did James even have a gun? And why was the first thing that he thought to do was to kill him? Why didn’t he just threaten to, I mean that’s not as bad, is it? We’ve just compromised our chances of a clean break here.
I still hear the gunshot – every time I hear this, everything goes black, everything feels black, motionless, emotionless, but there was nothing I could do to stop this emotion, I thought I would need to go to a counsellor for post-traumatic stress but I thought I couldn’t because that would blow my cover even more.
I thought I would need to talk about what is causing the stress, and you know what? I can’t do that, I am not going to drop James into it, he’s meant to be getting married, I can’t do that to Hannah, that’s what we’re doing it for, Hannah. We both love her, even James more, but I can’t compromise anything now, I decided I’m just not going to do that. And anyway, I am sure no one would believe James and me, James has no previous convictions, nor have I on that matter, so I don’t know why anyone would believe we committed a murder if we’re not criminals and never done anything bad before, but then again, I suppose previous convictions won’t make a difference, if we’re caught, we can’t get caught.
Hannah and I have been friends since the beginning of sixth form college, even doing two of the same A-levels and the only difference was she studying law and I studied psychology, and I mean I suppose that could come in useful for James’s psychotic episodes and don’t worry, Hannah has never seen one herself, whenever James is feeling like one could come on he comes to me, he doesn’t ever want her to know about them, he doesn’t want her to be scared of him, how scared I was when I saw him in that state, there has been other episodes, the other one was about two years ago and he punched a wall, never once has he actually killed someone in a result of one.
I thought if James and Hannah and I have been friends since the beginning of sixth form college, even doing two of the same A-levels and the only difference was she studying law and I studied psychology, and I mean I suppose that could come in useful for James’s psychotic episodes and don’t worry, Hannah has never seen one herself, whenever James is feeling like one could come on he comes to me, he doesn’t ever want her to know about them, he doesn’t want her to be scared of him, how scared I was when I saw him in that state, there has been other episodes, the other one was about two years ago and he punched a wall, never once has he actually killed someone in a result of one.
I thought if James and I got caught, because of his psychotic episodes and of course, we’d have to explain that he had another one a couple years ago, he would probably be sent to a secure unit, just so he doesn’t kill anyone again, but James, he’s not crazy, he’s really not, I love James, he is family. We protect our families and the people we love, we’d do anything for them really, I would do anything for my family and to keep them safe, seems crazy right.
Onto other guys I’ve dated, there’s been Jack, Josh, Jamie and Michael, Michael was my favourite ex-boyfriend, and believe me just saying that sentence is weird, imagine being described as someone’s favourite former lover and I mean Mike and I were still friends but then he decided it was okay to screw me over again. Not cool. He was nice, I guess, I mean compared to all the other, my friends say they didn’t like Michael and I don’t believe them and I mean towards the ending of it, he changed into a different person, I didn’t like who he was and I didn’t want him to be this person but nothing I did would change him back into the guy I first met, sad really.
However the other guys, Jack, Jamie and Josh, don’t even speak to me about them, all cheats, it’s disgusting, and even Josh cheated on me with my ex-friend Lillian, I Didn’t really like her anyway, she got married and didn’t even invite me to the wedding, even though I am meant to be one of her friends, close friends, but no she invited Josh though my boyfriend, it’s not like he declined that invitation either, he wanted to go, I don’t know where I went wrong with that. But oh well that’s in the past and the past is the past.